The Sunlight

I see a speck of hope on the horizon,
A splash of sunlight trying to break through
Cloudy, stormy, threatening skies,
That have enveloped my life and soul,
For months, for years, forever.

I want the sun to come.
I want to feel free.
I want light to conquer darkness.
I want to be free,
But I am scared.

I don’t know how to look at sunlight,
Certainly not to bask.
I do not understand it,
Cannot comprehend it.
What does it mean?
Where does it lead?

My mind is losing focus on the light.
My mind is telling me to turn away.
My mind wants darkness, wants night.
It wants me to cut, deeply,
Wants me to drink, hungrily,
Wants me to starve, slowly,
And ultimately to kill myself.

My mind is the enemy,
But it feels like a friend:
A comfortable, hurtful friend,
One you can’t trust, but know well.
One who will destroy you day by day,
While you barely notice,
Nearly comatose as you are,
As life and people pass on by.

How dare you let it do this.
How dare you be so weak.
Get up, be strong, be happy,
They all say the same thing,
They will never understand.

You’re selfish, you’re attention seeking,
You should do this, you should do that.
“When I am sad, I go for a walk” they say,
“When I am sad, I listen to music,
I read a book, I draw, color,
Laugh, play, cook, cycle, be.”

Me, I cannot be,
I cannot do,
There is no magic action,
There is no simple way out,
There is a way in,
And that is all.

What if the sun came back some day?
What if I could welcome it just a bit?
What if I didn’t want to die?
What if I chose to live?
What if it actually felt like a choice?

Maybe I can do it.
Maybe I can fight more.
Maybe I can give in less.
Maybe I can win.
Maybe I can live!

“Don’t be stupid”,
Depression whispers in my ear,
“You are nothing.
You cannot beat me.
I will crush you.
I already crush you.
Bit by bit,
Day by day.
You are a shell of your former self.
You are nothing.
You don’t deserve life.
You deserve nothing.
I will never let you have anything.
You know this.”

Depression is cruel and unstoppable.
I truly do not know who will win.
For my children it has to be me.
For me it has to be it.
But it is all in my head;
My brutally ill, confused head:
The mind that listens to depression;
The one that that accepts all the doubt,
That lets the poison fester,
Until I want to die.

Around and around we go again,
On the never ending merry go round of depression,
Never, ever letting go.
Never, ever giving life.
Taking, just taking everything I ever had.

I love you kids.
I love you so much.
I’m sorry this is such a mess.
I’m sorry – you don’t deserve this.
Depression is ruining more than just me.
He is the enemy and always will be.

Please come back sunshine.
I want to try again.
I want to try to live and breathe,
To play, to laugh, to love.
Please, please, please…