Smoke, smog, and dirt cloy at my trachea. My esophagus bulges and collapses. I try to swallow down the bulge. Nothing happens.. I can still breathe. It is difficult yet quantifiable. I can feel the pain, yet it is not pain. I am filled up with this. I fear both things may remain forever. My … Continue reading Hyperaware of Nothing
Deep in my brain I feel my pulse. Yet it beats at a different speed than my heart. Not my pulse I suppose - my brain's pulse. It seems to work independent of the rest of me. Maybe all my body parts work seperately. They are interconnected in some way. Does the pulsating brain control … Continue reading Brain, Brain Go Away…
The cowardly black shroud has lifted. I know not fully. Not for good. It has pulled itself off my head, shoulders, core, arms and legs. I has dropped to the floor. It could easily trip me up. I can likely get back up however. I am not cloaked and choked. Something funny happened this morning. … Continue reading Ah sure Jaysus. I haven’t seen you in ages!
Down, down, down again. A vertical merry go round. Seemingly going ever so slowly at its nadir. Crawling back to its zenith. Plunging down to the nadir again. Why is it so favored? That low point? Why can it not stay up high for a little longer. A little break from down there. Up here … Continue reading Up and Down
I want to break free. I want it to be past. Not present. Not future. I did it again. In the present. The present four hours ago. It didn't hurt enough. Will I want to do it again? It did not fulfill whatever I wanted it to. What did I want it to do? I … Continue reading Scrap Scrape
Amazing Ted Talk on Depression Another day. Another fucked up day. It's 14:55. I'm sitting in... wait for it... Starbucks. I just dropped off some medication at the kids' school and ran. School ends at 14:45 and I needed to leave before then. God forbid the kids saw me and wanted to leave with me. … Continue reading Another Day…
It won't come out of me. It's stuck inside. Maybe it's not even inside. How would I know? If it is gone what then? It's all I have. What else can I do? What if that's it? I already have nothing. Nothing. Now I have less than nothing. Less. Than. Nothing. Will it come back? … Continue reading Going, Going, Gone