How will it end? This journey I'm on. So many variables. So many influences. So many people in my life. Close and distant. What is this journey? Why is it? Where is it going? What's the what? How's the how? Such a mystery. Does the journey mean life? Does it mean what's going on now? … Continue reading On Ending…
An hour ago I watched as a needle went into my vein, sliding in effortlessly, a slight sting when it broke the skin. It went nearly unnoticed. During many years of medical treatment I have had hundred of blood draws but also injections, shots. I am unsure if Americans use the word injection and that … Continue reading In and Out Goes the Needle
I have been doing great over the last couple of weeks. I'm not 100% sure why. I do know it's a significant change. Gradual significant if that makes any sense. It has been a long time coming, but I recognize a sudden shift. Certain events this weekend were extremely difficult and hard to deal with. … Continue reading Pain in the Abdomen. Period!
Here we are again. It never ends. No. I never end. I am in self-destruct mode again. I'm in a destroy everything and everyone around me mode. I am hurting myself, killing myself. More importantly I am hurting the most important people in the world to me - my children. I can see it from … Continue reading Fucking up again, and again, and again…
What a fucking day! I've called this part one. I'm sure I will have many more parts, assuming I haven't topped myself first that is. I sure have had part zero and several negative parts before today. What started off as a normal shitty day just got worse and worse. Mood wise anyway. I woke … Continue reading What a Fuckin’ Day? (Part I)
I sit here, in Starbucks, again. My head in my hands, again. Trying not to cry. Trying to remember to breathe. Does it really matter. If I cry? If I forget to breathe? I don't think it does. Right now it would be a relief. Maybe not to my fellow customers and staff, but to … Continue reading FUCKING KNEES
I feel so heavy today. So fucking heavy. Not just my weight - all one hundred seventy six pounds of it. My whole body. I walk down the street. My feet plod. One, two, one two. My knees are in pain - from the 176, and the arthritis. My body wants me to stop. It … Continue reading Heavy