Smoke, smog, and dirt cloy at my trachea. My esophagus bulges and collapses. I try to swallow down the bulge. Nothing happens.. I can still breathe. It is difficult yet quantifiable. I can feel the pain, yet it is not pain. I am filled up with this. I fear both things may remain forever. My … Continue reading Hyperaware of Nothing
Deep in my brain I feel my pulse. Yet it beats at a different speed than my heart. Not my pulse I suppose - my brain's pulse. It seems to work independent of the rest of me. Maybe all my body parts work seperately. They are interconnected in some way. Does the pulsating brain control … Continue reading Brain, Brain Go Away…
An hour ago I watched as a needle went into my vein, sliding in effortlessly, a slight sting when it broke the skin. It went nearly unnoticed. During many years of medical treatment I have had hundred of blood draws but also injections, shots. I am unsure if Americans use the word injection and that … Continue reading In and Out Goes the Needle
I have been doing great over the last couple of weeks. I'm not 100% sure why. I do know it's a significant change. Gradual significant if that makes any sense. It has been a long time coming, but I recognize a sudden shift. Certain events this weekend were extremely difficult and hard to deal with. … Continue reading Pain in the Abdomen. Period!
What a fucking day! I've called this part one. I'm sure I will have many more parts, assuming I haven't topped myself first that is. I sure have had part zero and several negative parts before today. What started off as a normal shitty day just got worse and worse. Mood wise anyway. I woke … Continue reading What a Fuckin’ Day? (Part I)
I sit here, in Starbucks, again. My head in my hands, again. Trying not to cry. Trying to remember to breathe. Does it really matter. If I cry? If I forget to breathe? I don't think it does. Right now it would be a relief. Maybe not to my fellow customers and staff, but to … Continue reading FUCKING KNEES
I feel so heavy today. So fucking heavy. Not just my weight - all one hundred seventy six pounds of it. My whole body. I walk down the street. My feet plod. One, two, one two. My knees are in pain - from the 176, and the arthritis. My body wants me to stop. It … Continue reading Heavy