Joyless Joy

The first touch of blade on skin
Beautiful
A stabbing pain
Thought of an impossible task
The visual of the blood
The slice
The stinging increasing
Enough to push forward
Through that initial hesitancy
To continue…

Good girl
Good job
Just slice a little deeper
That’s it
You know you can
It hurts
Tough shit man
Grow a pair

The first slice over
The next one straight on its back
Quick
Do it before you change your mind
There will be no change
Once the train has departed it can only follow the tracks in front of it

Onward
Picking up speed
The passenger more and more excited
The constant change in sensations
Pain
Tingle
Sharp
Throb
Then a cool massaging trickle
Red gentle streams
Branching and merging
Building
Gushing
Loving
Smiling
Wincing
Deep intakes of air
Over and over
Heaven

Keep going until satiated
Never knowing until it comes
Just the right amount
No more
No less
Stopping too early means adding too many
Stopping too late
Both subtract from optimum hedonism

Sit
Relax
Drop the instrument
That brought such bliss
Discarded for good
So many instruments
In so many places

Looking at those beautiful slices
Painful
That doesn’t matter now
See blood beginning to clot
Touch and rub small places
Fascinated
Different patterns every time
Different paces of clotting
Loving all these factors

Look at the magical implement
Smile at your old friend
A reborn new friend
A familiar family member
I love you
You understand
My red mixing with rain
My friend being cleansed
Wonderful rain

Reaching face to sky
Liquid sense of freedom
Drenching face, clothes, feet
So warm
A luxurious shower
Bathing in summer nighttime
Blending and dispersing
Over and over
Awe

Realization
Not worried about death
Nor life
Idea that help should possibly be sought
Maybe
Don’t care
Enjoying this bliss
It is just for me
One of the rare occasions that I can stomach being me
Reveling in my life for that short hour

Calling
Inconceivably asking for help
One foot in front of the other
Hospital, doctor, EMT
It all ends the same
Crazy in crazyland

Was it worth it?
At the time – of course
Probably overall
Worth it how?
An hour’s pleasure
For memories of freedom
My time
Me
Him too
No one else
Love
Relationship
With the blade
With the knife

Never regret
Times later
Months
Years
Still in love
Dissolution of wounds and me
Yet ever present
Sometimes the marks tell a story
Ready to be told
Ready to be concealed

Wondering will I do it again
Is it in the cards
I deal my own cards
Vaguely felt so recently
Easily dismissed
Will I always reject
Will I want to
And so do
Will I want to fight
And so do not

Life is tough
Is suck
Is unrelenting
I breath
I struggle to
Is thirty years of this sustainable
I think not

Now I don’t want to end it
I say out loud (in my head)
God I wish I was dead
I don’t think I do
Sleep forever
Maybe scant waking moments each day
No difference

Craving me-time
Paralyzed
Desolate
Complete panic
I am alone
Breathe breathe breathe
What next
Not home
Coffee ad infinitum
Then
Panic
Block
Zoned
Writer

Never changing
Now and later-now
Not defeated
Yes defeated
Resigned
Knowing
You not knowing
Never able walk in other shoes
Not truly

The future
If future
None making sense
No fucking way
You fix you
I ignore me
I choose
It is chosen for me
We conspire
Brain and I
Best friends
Bitter enemies

In or out
Decide
Stay Go
Smile Cry Flat
Deadman walking
Deadwoman
Who cares

I fucking hate people
Young guy walking with a spring in his step
Old white lady holding dog on the patio
Couple talking laughing
Fuck you
You won the life lottery
I cannot know
Jealousy envelops me
Enveloped me
Not anymore
No more fucks to give
I’ve tapped out my supply

Time tumbles forward
Stumbles Bumbles
People do the same
I observe
Each breath a breath closer to the last
Some comfort
This comfort mocks me
Do
Live
Be
No

You can’t understand
Never will
I don’t understand
Can a deal be reached
Some middle ground
Not a full life
A half life
The half life of life is half a life
Never quite ending
Perhaps my fate
Never ending
Never
Trapped
Miserable
Numb
Is miserable numb a thing
With me I guess it is

I have decided
I don’t know that though
I do
Others don’t know there is contemplation
Most don’t know of my not-life
It’s not so obvious
Maybe withdrawn in certain happenings
Boisterous (you drunk) in otherwise

I am only free with drink
Wine
Beer
Free
Free
Free in chains
No control
With or without
I want it now
It
Pills
A temporary way out
Never enough booze
Never inadequate
No right amount
Even with not sustainable

I need the key
I need the key
Somebody give me the key
Attempts at giving spurned
Deaf ears
Don’t even try
I know best
I know me

I’m still here
Still talking
Still breathing
Still existing
Still numb
Still broken
Still desperate
Still clawing for love
Without and within
Still fantasizing of a life I will never life

A broken body
A broken mind
Age marches on
Things can only get better
Stupid phrase
Stupid words
Things will only get worse
And worse
And worse

Aging knees
Knees never unbroken
Aging heart
Another harbinger
Aging mind
Aging will power
Aging life
Aging age

STOP