Oh my God. I can’t believe it. I might actually love him. Is that possible? I mean I think I do. This was not supposed to happen. We are casual. Together for fun. That’s all it is supposed to be. Yes, we get on very well together. Isn’t that normal though? I mean we wouldn’t hang out together if we didn’t get on. We do get on very well though. First we shared an amazing joint sense of humor. We felt instantly comfortable with each other. No awkward silences. Always something to say or laugh about. We realized quickly that intellectually we relished each other’s conversation. We flip between intimacy, laughing, and earnest discussion. We now do things outside the bedroom. We go to movies, head out for ice-cream, coffee. Of course these are not dates. Whoever suggests the plan asserts this fact to put the other at ease. What if we’re both pushing against something the two of us feel? We are open and often speak about how much we enjoy each other’s company in multiple ways. Is this another way, as of yet owned up to?
Tonight we’re going to the movies. I’m making him come with me to a classic. One of my all time favorites. It didn’t take much convincing. He likes us to act like teenagers in the theater. We just get a kick out of it, rather than some desperate need for each other. Although that need exists. My feelings for him intimidate me. There is a huge age difference, me being the elder. What would being with me mean for him? A life given up? A future? Of course his career and friends would remain the same. Is it fair to him to ask him, or even allow him, to face the likely prospect of being a widower at fifty years of age? And then what? He finds someone else? I feel I may be the rational one, thinking of him ahead of me. It has nothing to do with martyrdom or nobility. It is about caring so much for him, that I put his needs first. It crushes me to think we might not see each other any more. It is equally possible that he is the rational one. Love does not come along every day of the week. When it comes, are we fools not to hold on for dear life? What if neither of us feel this way for someone else again? Is the possibility of our lifelong singleness enough to keep us together?
In some ways I want to write him a letter. A letter telling him how I feel. Telling him why we should stop seeing each other. Maybe so he would have time for it to sink in. For him to see our situation. And if he does not feel the same way, then I avoid the embarrassment of pouring my heart out and that being unrequited. If he loves me back, we need to stop. If he doesn’t, I need to stop. Regardless of his feelings we are done. Is my fear of being rejected, of facing his anger, the reason I don’t want do this in person. Am I showing a lack of courage and maturity by not facing him? If we were to talk in person, I would want him to tell me he loves me, to hold me, to tell me he adores me and needs me. And then what? Have him tell me of some strategy for us to work as a couple? Come up with a way for our love to thrive? To somehow show the world, family and friends, that we are a loving couple, and not a laughing stock due to our ages.
I have looked down on couples with such a vast age-difference in the past. I thought the relationships must be unequal. The older being the dominant one. Being in our relationship has opened my mind to what love between two people can mean regardless of gender, age (paedophilia aside), race, religion, etc. etc. It is no-one’s business except the people in the couple. The only situation that it is a problem, is when one person is abusive, emotionally or physically, or takes advantage of the other. I know of no proof that this occurs more in couples with large age gaps, than those without. Also if there are statistics proving or refuting that, I am unaware of which partner tends to be the abuser, and which tends to be abused. Putting all this aside, because my love and I do not fit any of those anecdotes, to bring this full circle, this is solely what other people think about these relationships.
What is my would-be boyfriend’s position? Would he put our love ahead of other people’s thoughts about us. Would he chose not to care and put us first. Or at least care more about us than them? Would we assume loved-ones would eventually get used to us and become more accepting? Would I be banned from his family home? Would he be banned from mine? I think the latter is unlikely. I have no idea about the former.
You know what? I remember suddenly that this ponderance has no place in reality. Until we talk to each other about my feelings. Unless he feels the same. Then we can think about all these issues. I’m so scared. I can’t let my fear get in the way. Then I lose him. The only way for us to win, is for us to care for each other, and decide we are stronger than any obstacle life might throw us.
Shit… he’s calling me now…
Running Half Empty 