It visited today. I suppose it couldn’t stay away.

I wasn’t surprised. I knew what it was in mere seconds. That lovely feeling that will soon be satisfied. This time I need to make sure it won’t be. Easy – right?

I confessed immediately. Might this stop what can seem like an out of control locomotive? It feels less and less likely it will cease movement as the seconds speed by.

I orated longer than needed. About the physicals sensations, mental thoughts, emotional wants.

It climbed further: 6… 7… 8…

Further up the ladder than it had been in months.

Punching in the face with fear. Dragging lungs down with anxiety. Prickling skin with excitement.

I wanted to fuck up… Just let me… Give me this one night… I’ll come back tomorrow… I’ll stay dry for another while…

I will break my children more… Their trust… Their emotions… Their respect… Their love… Their them…

Break trust with my adults… “Don’t trust”… “She lies”… “Bad mother”… “Ruining everything”… “Selfish bitch”… “Her poor, poor babies”…

The good and the bad were fighting a battle in my head. Why is the bad always stronger? Though the ‘good’ is minuscule.

‘Good’ is sitting alone in a bar… Hiding upstairs in a closets… Telling myself this is acceptable… That I am not hurting anyone… Including myself… The delusion all my comrades in battle believe…

Passed out in my bed… In my room… In my house…
On a gurney… In a bay… In hospital…
It matters not.

Disappoint. Disappointed. Disappointment.

Hydrate. Charcoal. Detox. Rehab. Psych ward.
Eeny, meeny, miny, moe.

No calls. No respect. Stupid, stupid girl.

Out again. Build trust again. Do well again.

Goodbye old friend. I have remembered your enemy within. I suppose I win for now. When we next meet I hope I will win. No. I will make sure I will. I am not sure. Sadly the only thing I know… Is that we will play this out again. Again, and again, and again…

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