That’s Depression

Do you know what happened the other day?
I went to the supermarket.
I parked in the lot.
I opened my door.
I swung my legs out.
And then I sat there.
Sat in the driver’s seat.
Legs out, body in.
I was barely aware of my situation most of the time.
The rest of the time…
I have to stand.
I have to close the car door.
I have to walk… to the store… across the lot…
I didn’t even think about what I had to do inside the store.
Maybe too overwhelming.
Probably just outside the bounds of these thoughts.
Do you know how long I sat there?
Thirty minutes.
Thirty minutes half in, half out of the car.
That is depression.

Do you know what happened the other day?
It was a weekday.
I woke up at 07:55.
School starts at 07:45.
The immediate “shit” subsided quickly.
And then I stayed in bed.
For a long time.
I knew my children were late.
I stayed in bed.
I didn’t even feel immobilized.
I just didn’t get up.
I remember thinking over and over.
Thinking I should get up.
I stayed in bed.
I don’t know when I got up.
I know my kids were one and a half to two hours late.
They had been late twice already that week.
That is depression.

Do you know what happened the other day?
Well maybe two weeks ago.
I was pumping gas.
I managed to get out of the car.
I managed to get the gas pump going.
I sat down.
I rested my head against the car.
I have to stand.
I have to hang up the pump.
I have to screw the gas cap on.
I have to open the car door.
I have to get into the car.
I have to turn on the car.
I managed to do ALL of that.
It didn’t even take that long.
I think that’s an accomplishment in and of itself.
I think I might have written about this in another piece.
I can’t remember.
My memory is shot.
That’s depression.

Last weekend my depression was awful.
A nine out of ten.
Unbearable.
I went out for a drive.
I hoped to calm myself.
I felt like crap.
Close to tears.
I drove West.
I can’t even remember why.
I’m not even sure if I had a destination.
For some reason I decided West was not where I wanted to head.
I don’t remember that either.
I took the next left.
I had never taken that turn.
It went by the side of Binny’s Beverage Depot.
An alcoholic’s nightmare.
I had an immediate craving for alcohol.
I burst into tears.
I pulled over.
I was crying too hard to drive.
I had suicidal ideation.
Suicidal thoughts without intent to carry it out.
Earlier in the day I had visions of overdosing in my head.
All my previous maladaptive behaviors.
Crashing at once.
That’s depression.

It is sad.
It is numb.
It is indifference.
It wears many hats.
I have laughed and joked around.
I have lain in bed staring out the window.
I have stood paralyzed.
I have bawled crying for hours.
The many faces of depression.
You can never know if someone is depressed.
You don’t know what form it will take when you are with them.
“You look grand.”
Would you like me to frown? [I don’t understand my own moods]
“What are you sad about?”
Nothing and everything. [I am not sad. I am sad.]
“Just get out of bed.”
What? [I do not understand that concept]
“Just do it would you!”
Huh? [I am leaden]
I don’t understand it.
I do know it though.
Intimately.
Though he is my enemy.
And he is my friend.
He is depression.