Social Reject

I’ve been rejected, dejected, I hate this feeling. I care more this time. I don’t know why. I should be used to it by now. I am not. Usually I care a little, but I am strong. I know my physical and mental flaws. They are me, and I am them. Does this hurt because I felt more attached? I gave more. I feel I am owed. But there was no contract. Neither written nor verbal. Buyer beware. No. There was no buyer. No customer. It sometimes feels that there is. There are.

And here it comes and goes again. I never know who to trust. Everyone or no one. It seems there is no in between. I cannot judge well. I feel like a fool. Maybe this time will be okay. Maybe it will all work out. Mostly it does I guess. But when it doesn’t I am left an empty shell. Carved from inside out. Helpless in a gale. Always unsure. Unsure of the next event. Will this be hurtful. Will it be okay. And that wait. That lack of knowledge hurts almost as badly as the rejection. At least with it the knowledge is shared. Sadness but the relief of not waiting.

I may not know what to do next time. I will know what not to do. In fact I know I should not do at all. I will do. I will screw up. I will feel pain again.