Darkness falls inside my cave. I can see a little, that is all. I worry about something bad happening. A fire, and accident, or someone violating my space. Darkness Falls.
My anxiety slowly rises. So slowly, in fact, that at first I don’t notice it. When I do, there is the automatic anxiety begetting anxiety reaction. Darkness Falls.
My fear is quite manageable at first. I can handle this. I am nowhere near panic yet. I’m only half way there, maybe even less. Darkness Falls.
I felt like doing nothing earlier in the day. I got of bed at three in the afternoon. Now it is one in the morning the next day, and I cannot sleep. Why should I be surprised? I have only been up for ten hours. Darkness Falls.
The objects appear in shadows around the room. Sometimes seemingly moving, almost imperceptibly. I know it can’t be, but it feels real, and I am scared. Darkness Falls.
I think I can hear sounds. Maybe I can. Perhaps some are real. I hear the boiler click on, and rev itself up to warm my cave. It is real. The other sounds I am not sure about. Are they actually occurring, or do I think I hear them out of fright? Either way, I am convinced that someone is in the room, and that they are not at the same time. Darkness Falls.
I turn on the light, just to check, to make sure. I know it is silly, childish, but I do it anyway. To my relief, and logical expectation, no one is there. I know checking is just feeding the fire inside me. Next time I’ll be more fearful, and check sooner. Darkness Falls.
I leave the light on, telling myself that my body and mind are not ready for sleep. I know this is not true. I am mentally exhausted, after a hectic day, albeit short. I am physically tired, because of the strong sleeping pill I took. My angst keeps the light on. Darkness Falls.
I hear more creaks on the stairs, but no one is there. Other noises too, but I can’t place them. I should not be afraid anymore. The light is on. I am still afraid. Darkness Falls.
I was anxious before I came to my sanctuary, which feels anything but now. I was trying to figure something out. After more than an our, I finally did. I was spent. I had been watching the clock the entire time. I think that is what started the anxiety. Darkness Falls.
My shrink wants to see me on Friday. He told me today. I am dreading the visit. I am not sure why. Or maybe I am. He was mad last time I saw him because I didn’t reach out to him. This too is feeding my anxiety. Darkness Falls.
I met an A.A. friend for coffee this afternoon, after I had finally dragged myself out of bed. We had a great chat. I had the urge to drink the entire time. We are very open with each other, so I told her. Darkness Falls.
She and I met up at a meeting later on. It was the best meeting I have ever been to. I felt energized and alive. The minute I walked out the door, the high, poured itself out of my soul. I drove home, barely making it, passing the liquor stores. This too fed tonight’s irrational thoughts. Darkness Falls.
I debate with myself about whether I should turn the light off again. I know I should, but I don’t want to. I do not want to hear more unidentifiable sounds. Not in the dark anyway. I need to get up early. The light stays on. And so I lie in bed typing something on my phone. It’s title is “Darkness Falls.” Anything to avoid turning off the light. Darkness Falls.