I am broken,
It feels beyond repair.
I am weak, small, empty, and hollow.
Is there a chance for anything else?
I want to give up,
And I want to fight.
I want to run, hide, cry, die.
I want to live, stay, open, be.
I drank the amber poison,
I loved and hated every drop.
I cut and sliced my fresh clean skin,
It opened up like a cut of meat.
No fear, just excitement and pleasure,
Knowing it was wrong, but feeling so right.
I argued with the police and EMT,
So sure was I that my warped pleasure was right.
More of the same at the hospital –
Pulling gauze off bleeding wounds,
Arguing with nurses and doctors,
“I am right” with every breath.
Fighting with my doctor,
Mad because maybe he is right.
I am dangerous, I am childish,
I can’t and don’t want to stop.
Someone save me,
You owe this to your children,
You owe this to her.
She who was once an innocent child,
She who felt loved and happy and strong,
She who deserves to be again,
She who can’t fathom a life alive.
How do you live, when it seems so wrong?
How do you struggle every day?
I’m trying, I’m tired.
Please, please let me stop.
Let me float away,
In an alcohol-fueled, bloody, deadly haze.
Just let me go,
I promise it won’t hurt.
It won’t hurt me,
But will everyone else.
My beautiful children,
One, Two, and Three.
I love you so much,
It hurts me inside.
How can a mother,
Who loves you so much,
Even dream of taking herself away?
I’m sorry my lovies, for even thinking this way.
You deserve a rich and full life,
With a mother who fills you every day.
I cannot give that to you,
But is a little better than none?
Is broken, half, altered me,
More important than nothing?
Please, please, I beg you say no,
Because then I will be free to go.
It still feels right for me to leave,
Even knowing what I’d leave behind.
This wicked, twisted, fucked-up disease,
Robs its victims of everything.
Its victims’ children, spouses, parents,
All will suffer in the end.
The worry all those families face,
Whether I am dead or dead inside.
So goodbye to you all,
It’s time for me to go.
Thank God it will be over for me.
I am sorry you will hurt so much,
But me, believe me, now I’m free.
It’s just too much,
I cannot go on.
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye.